Break the Agreement!

     What is one of the most hurtful things that someone has ever said to you? When it replays in your mind, you feel your heart break again and again. Something that left a negative, long-lasting imprint on your heart and caused you to doubt who you are.

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     Demi Moore said during her acceptance speech when she won her first Golden Globe for best performance by a female actor in a motion picture, musical or comedy for her performance in “The Substance”, “Thirty years ago I had a producer tell me that I was a ‘popcorn actress’, and at that time, I made that mean that this wasn’t something I was allowed to have. That I could do movies that were successful and made a lot of money, but that I couldn’t be acknowledged, and I bought in and I believed that.”

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     “I made that mean…” and “…I bought in and I believed that”. Let those words sink in for a minute. How often do we take something negative that is said or done to us and give it weight in how we choose to move forward in life? In the moment that we choose to believe in another individual’s “interpretation” of who we are, we’ve signed the agreement. We’ve traded our truth in exchange for a lie.

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     When we accept and carry something hurtful that someone has said to us, it is like we are silently signing an agreement to internalize the pain, allowing those words to define our self-worth and shape how we respond emotionally. When we accept hurtful comments, we give power to negative perceptions and judgments imposed on us. This “agreement” weighs heavily on our sense of identity and affects how we view ourselves and the way we interact with others. We make a choice, however unintentional, to allow those words to influence our mindset and behavior, and the effects of that choice can linger indefinitely.

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My Story

     During the first year of my marriage, I decided to become a Mary Kay Consultant. I connected with an Independent Beauty Consultant who convinced me to become a part of her team. Her encouragement that I would be great at selling Mary Kay products was a boost to my self-esteem. I was so excited when I attended my first meeting and ordered my starter kit. Before the kit arrived, I had already booked my first two facials and I was looking forward to sharing how much I loved the products. I was sure my enthusiasm would catch and I would begin to build a strong customer base. The evening that I picked up my starter kit, I took it home, sat on the floor of the den and began to assemble it. Each time I placed a lipstick, an eyeshadow pallet, a facial cleanser into the kit I grew more and more eager to get started with my new business. I was so happy! Halfway through putting my kit together, my then husband comes into the room and sits down on the coach in my clear view. I was minding my business, taking in the joy of the moment when, just as if someone snatches the needle from a record, he said to me, “You know, the truth is you just don’t have it”. He sat there for a few moments with a smirk on his face, not breaking his glance, allowing his sharp words to sink in. And then, he got up and walked out of the room. I felt instantly deflated. I felt my posture go from straight and confident to sunken and defeated. His words cut me. I could not get his words, the tone or intention behind them out of my mind. His words lingered…ominously. After working with only a few clients, I lost all interest in and ended my journey with Mary Kay. All of the joy and excitement I had for this new venture was gone and my confidence was crushed. I allowed that brief moment in the den to rob me of an opportunity to follow through with something new and succeed at it. I made his words mean that I was unworthy and I let it influence the way I moved forward in life for quiet some time.

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     Science refers to what happened in that moment as the negativity bias. “The negativity bias means that we feel the sting of a rebuke more powerfully than we feel the joy of praise. It is the “bad things” that grab our attention, stick to our memories, and, in many cases, influence the decisions we make. Because negative information draws greater attention, we are more likely to perceive it as truth”.  beam.academy

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     I believe that I signed the agreement partially because I wanted validation from the person I looked to for love and support. Validation from others is something that many of us seek, knowingly or unknowingly, as a form of endorsement for what has already been divinely placed inside of us. The truth is that while it boosts our confidence and gives us reassurance, we do not need approval from another individual to verify the greatness that lies in us. Sure, acceptance from the people we love is a beautiful thing, however it is not always realistic that we will get it. In many instances, the people who are closest to us can be the ones who are the quickest to tear us down. It is necessary to change our expectation that what we need to believe in ourselves is fueled by how others choose to define, treat and perceive us. The more leaps we initiate for ourselves, the more we build our self-esteem.

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     Looking back, I realized that the time I spent focusing on those words, I was in a valley experience with myself. The moment my ex left the den he continued with his day-to-day. I continued to internalize it…for a long time. Time in a valley experience can be difficult. We may feel alone, lost, and defeated but the blessing is, there is something redeeming about the experience. Struggle occurs in the valley and we have two choices while we are there: face the adversity and come out on top or give in and give up. In facing it, we place the focus exactly where it needs to be…on ourselves. It is a time for self-evaluation and introspection which bring growth and transformation. The valley is a place where we discover what we allow to hinder us and we begin to move in faith and relinquish the burdens we have carried that we have accepted from others.

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     Coming out of the valley on its incline comes when we learn and live that we cannot give another individual’s words or deeds that control over our hearts, minds and our spirits. We break the agreement when we receive the truth of who we are divinely created to be. THAT is the only truth that matters!

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“When you fully understand how often people cope with their own insecurities, fear and unresolved issues by projecting negativity on to you, you’ll quickly learn not to take the things they say or do to heart. Those are their issues, don’t give them permission to make them yours.”  Unknown

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